New Year’s confession: I am a thief

Every time I make muffins, I think of Ashlyn. I make muffins more often than most people do laundry, so the fact that I think so often of Ashlyn—who I haven’t seen since the days of Ross and Rachel—may come as a surprise to her. But a lifetime ago when we were grad students, I borrowed Ashlyn’s hand mixer, and I never gave it back. As I whipped up my umpteenth batch of pumpkin spice cornbread last night (impending snow storm necessitates baking), I thought of pretty Ashlyn, marveling at the longevity of an appliance that looks like this,

Apparently, not ALL of the wires are necessary.

Apparently, not ALL of the wires are necessary.

…and wondering if Ashlyn remembers I’m the one who stole it.

Given a bit of thought (and an entire day in jammies), I cataloged an embarrassing list of odd things I’ve poached over the years. I still have Lauren’s prom dress: a flapper fabulous frock of my ex-roommate’s little sister who is, and always was, far too cool to don some taffeta abomination like the rest of us. I probably borrowed it for some ‘20s themed party in the mid ‘90s, never to return it because Lauren and I have never lived in the same city… and, also, the dress is all sorts of awesome.

Wearing Lauren's dress 16 years after I should have returned it.

Wearing Lauren’s dress as a Halloween costume… 16 years after I should have returned it.

I “borrowed” Nicole’s set of caterer’s dishes for a party four years ago. Still have them. My favorite yellow bowl? Stranded by an onion dip-proffering party guest. At a Fourth of July long past, Sharon promised her terrine would set after another hour in my ‘fridge, unaware she’d never see that jello mold again. And during my bald year, nary a Tupperware container was returned to casserole-carting Christians.

I am a shameless, lazy thief.

New Year’s Resolution #2: stop stealing from friends. #1 was nurse champagne hangover while watching Juno, twice. So far, I’m killing it in 2014.