GOD’S EDITOR, JERRY… by Steve Safran


Lord Almighty,


We are in receipt of the next draft of your exciting new work. We see this going multi-platform, and are already working on the movie rights. Picture Charlton Heston as Moses! For that matter, create Charlton Heston! You are God, after all.


As your editor, it’s my job to help you write the best Old Testament you can write. I should tell you I’m Jewish, so I’m a HUGE fan. I love what you’ve done with the place. Not particularly crazy about all the Egyptians walking around, but I’m sure you have your Reasons. I’m here for you.


With that in mind, some notes about the Testament:


GENESIS: Wow. Boffo! Had no idea you created everything in six days. I can’t even get the copy machine guy to come in a week. But, question: You’re GOD. Why did you need to rest? Flesh out that part. Let us know what it’s like to feel tired as a deity. How does God chill? I’m picturing Heaven’s largest Slurpee machine. It has crossover appeal.


ADAM AND EVE: This one’s a little tougher. I buy the Garden of Eden, and I suppose we had to start with two people at some point. But why kick them out for eating fruit? Shouldn’t we be encouraging healthy eating habits? Maybe give that a rethink. Just a thought: Kick them out for eating at Olive Garden.


THE BIG FLOOD: This has the potential to be a spinoff. I see this as a 10-part Netflix special. Noah is the first action hero! But– two of every creature? Not on this budget. How about two of every cute creature? Or just two creatures that are magical and can turn into other creatures? I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, just pitching…


EXODUS: I’m starting to sense a pattern about your attitude toward the Jews, and I have to say… what gives? For a Chosen People, you’re making some brutal choices. As God, your brand should be marketable. Suffering is love? I don’t see that testing well. Still, Moses is main character material. Totally believable and relatable to today’s pious and non-pious alike. Who doesn’t want to part water with a staff? I can’t even get a plumber on the weekends.


LEVITICUS: Wow. A lot to unpack here. So … many … rules. Good thing you had Moses to remind them, or nobody could keep them straight. And I don’t think word of mouth will “play telephone” with Your words at all. Still– a lot of good advice here about cleanliness. You might want to add in something about masks. In a few thousand years, people are gonna get all huffy about them, so Your Word might help clarify. Also, we’re confused by this part: “You shall not lie with a male as a woman.” Sounds off brand. Did a disgruntled intern slip that in? Also, your idea for a Day of Atonement is outstanding and will lead to many bagel dinners.


NUMBERS: Oddly few numbers here, for a book called “Numbers,” but we’ll take it. It’s the first title the audience will understand. Quick anecdote: I’m reading “Numbers,” and I’m thinking “Good thing the Jews have escaped the Egyptians. Should be smooth sailing now.” And then WHAM– 15,000 Jews slain for bitching about Moses and Aaron. I did NOT see that coming. (Although now that I think about it, maybe “NUMBERS” was the foreshadowing. Nice one, Holy of Holies.) Heavy story turn. I can see the scene going black right there, like a “Sopranos” ending. Which You will also develop. 


DEUTERONOMY: A bit of a mouthful, that title. Why not just “DUDE?” Give that the ol’ Godthink. This is a good wrap-up: forty years of wandering, the laws of Moses, the teachings– the whole shebang. The Jews make it to Canaan… roll credits, amirite? NO. Moses snuffs it before entering The Promised Land? I know what you’re going for, but we’re trying to sell books here. What if… and just stick with me for a second… what if Moses doesn’t die, but instead sets up a Canaan deli?


Overall, a very promising draft, O Mighty One. And I appreciated your response to my last set of notes. The wife looks just fine as a pillar of salt.


– Jerry.

Jerry better hope these editorial notes are received well…

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