How many calories does hating spin class burn?
These are thoughts I have while pedaling pedaling pedaling nowhere. When I’m not at the gym, I am unfailingly nice. I’m a benefit-of-the-doubt, go-ahead-of-me-in-line, let-me-hold-that-for-you kind of gal. But at the gym, my interior dialogue spews from a judge-y, pack-a-day smoker.
“WE COULD ALL JUST STOP AND GO HOME!” I scream/think at all of the already skinny people.
But recently, after sprinting upstairs to fetch a forgotten phone, I clutched my chest in gasping exhaustion and thought maybe I need more than the occasional cardio of reacting to spiders in the car. So I went back to the gym for a barre class.
I used to love the barre class with its slow movements and focus on stretchy leg stuff and balancing. I had forgotten that it’s essentially an hour-long squat, and I spent most of the time tamping down the bile that threatened to hurl out of my shaky legged body.
“AM I THE ONLY ONE ABOUT TO THROW UP?” I scream/think at all of the already toned women.
The next morning, I headed back to the gym for more torture disguised as healthy activity and signed up for cycling to music. Since I could control the resistance on the bike, I could control how terrible it would be, right? I entered the room, adjusted all of the settings, and started pedaling. Slowly. The fit little instructor suggested we “set an intention” for class which, for me, is always the same:
“…don’t throw up, don’t throw up, don’t throw up…”
The tempo of the music got faster. Apparently, one is supposed to keep up with it. I’m sure the songs varied over the 45 minutes of dyspnea, but all of it felt like pedaling breathlessly and pointlessly to Cotton Eyed Joe. At minute 32, The Who entered the playlist and the effect of nervous, might-puke adrenaline coupled to a classic rock soundtrack gave it the panicky date-rapey vibe of a kegger. Somehow, my cycle-mates were still “getting out of the saddle” and pretending to pedal up invisible hills fueled by their great attitudes and second winds and other whoo-hoo-ness I’ll never, ever know.
The biggest insult of the gym is tackling the giant staircase that descends to the nirvana of the exit door. Clutching the railing with two hands as my unsure, wobbly legs navigate 37 steps to freedom, I remember that I’m paying oodles of dollars for the humiliation of it all. So tomorrow, I’ll swim laps.
See you at the gym, friends. I’m the one scream/thinking the hardest.
How many calories does fake-turning the resistance knob burn?
Blooms and Bubbles 
It’s times like this that I curse the efficiency of the human body – it takes only a few seconds to load a gazillion calories and they come off at the rate of 1 per hour of exhaustive labor.
Oh, I was reading abut calories the other day Britt. Did you know that although the average sedentary male only needs about 1,800 per day, the personnel working outside on the pipeline in the Arctic, burn upwards of 12,500 per day. If you really wan to lose weight fast , that’s the place for you. 😀
Packing up my parka now.
What were you doing all winter, Britt? You had the Arctic in your own backyard for 5 months, didn’t you?
It didn’t occur to me to go outside to whittle down to bikini-ready proportions. I was too busy kvetching about it from my computer. How many calories does complaining about the weather burn? Apparently none.
Should you have a few free minutes up there in the Arctic Britt, i just posted a three part series as a guest post on a new blog https://julienoblog.wordpress.com/2015/05/18/melanie-part-1/ If you have time to visit for a read i’d be honored.
Wow! Road trip with a hot girl! Awaiting part 2…
You might use both?
Sent from my iPad
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I love this. Now I have another reason to keep avoiding ever trying a spin class – I don’t think I could handle the Who. Plus, I hope you’ve watched the spin class episode of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.
I keep hearing about that show! Spinning is a ridiculously difficult way to burn off exactly one and a half granola bars.
Really enjoyed the read. My chap works in a fitness centre, yet I’ve always managed to avoid such things as a spinning classes. Can totally empathise, though – I don’t even enjoy the exercise bike at home. If I’m going to work on my fitness, I’d much rather be outdoors running or cycling – at least then you can do things at your own pace without having to breathe in the heady scent of your neighbour’s sweaty armpit!
Excellent! Take it a notch further to primal scream/thinking and you’ve got yourself a therapy session.
Indeed! By minute 38, I think we all feel like we’ve exorcized some demons.
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