Kate Spade. Anthony Bourdain. Two gut-punching suicides that have people asking “Why them? They had it all!” Sure, Bourdain lived a hard life, but Kate Spade, the queen of whimsy? She was wealthy, adored and…
Depressed.
We need better words. One of the biggest disservices to the field of mental health is to call the diagnosis of “depression” by the name “depression.” Everyone “gets depressed.” It’s a commonplace word: “I’m so depressed the meeting I planned fell through.” “The ending of that show was too depressing.” “He’s too depressing to be around.”
None of these examples has anything to do with the psychological definition of Depression.
People who live with depression are wired differently. Our brains perceive life differently than those who do not have depression. Let me put it another way.
Suppose you were born left-handed in this predominantly right-handed world. Suppose that was considered OK from time to time, but generally not an excuse to use your dominant hand. Righties would say “Why are you using your left hand? Your right hand works perfectly well.” Or, “I had a cousin who was left handed, but with a lot of work, he forced himself to use his right hand.” Or, “Why not just use your right hand? You wouldn’t need the special scissors.”
But I’m still a lefty, you’d say. I’d like to be a righty, but everything comes out all wobbly and it’s so uncomfortable. Can’t you just understand I’m part of the 10 percent of the population that is left handed?
Depression is exhausting. And it’s cruel. It tells you terrible things about yourself. That’s why Ms. Spade and Mr. Bourdain died. I can’t speak for their experiences, but I can speak for my own and what I know to be true from many other patients with depression: our minds become ruthless bullies. They tell us the meanest things about ourselves. They stockpile ammunition and open fire. And we have to sit there and take it because, well, it’s coming from our own brains.
45,000 people committed suicide in 2016. Suicide rates are up 30 percent just since 1999, according to NBC news. Only about half of those victims were known to have a mental health diagnosis. We do not talk about this issue enough, and when we do, we don’t really know what we’re talking about, or when we do, Depression is conflated with “feeling depressed.”
News organizations have taken to posting suicide hotline numbers when they run stories about suicide. That’s a responsible act of journalism, but it’s like running the number for 911 in an article about a car accident. People with depression know there is help, but their brain is telling them it’s time to die. The evil mix of ill-behaving neurotransmitters and whatever they have been through in life lands on a singular message: You must kill yourself.
Even in that moment, they know they have friends they can call. They know there are hotlines. But they are not interested in anything other than stopping that message, stopping the pain.
I suggest much more empathy in this area. As someone who has lived with anxiety and depression since the days of mixtapes, I’ve heard lots of well-meaning (and sometimes not so well-meaning) people say it all: “You’ve got a great life. What do you have to be depressed about?” (I don’t know. What do you have to be left-handed about?) “There are lots of people who have it worse off than you.” (Yes. And I still have depression.) “Just smile. How hard is it just to be happy?” (As hard as it would be for you to become left-handed while people insisted you use the regular scissors.)
My personal experience with this rotten condition has been horrid. I am certain I would have been more successful in my career without depression. For years, especially when I was younger, I wasn’t treated properly. As I got older, I was blamed for the illness that gripped me, as though it was a choice I made. I was called “lazy,” and put on meds that had me gain a ton of weight. People I loved mocked my illness, likely out of discomfort they may have it themselves. (They’re not much in the picture anymore.) In any case, there was not a lot of empathy.
We can’t stop suicide and depression. But we can understand it a lot better. I raise money for Movember, which supports research for men’s cancer and also the depression that can accompany it. This is something tangible I feel I can do. But all of us can do this: we can stop telling people with depression to “cheer up.” We can be more sensitive to this very real, very misunderstood disease.
Those of us with depression do not want to be treated as a protected class. We don’t want special rights or to be treated gently. You can’t make me depressed any more than you can make me a lefty. Empathy and acceptance are an enormous gift to those struggling to ignore the mean messages from their own minds.
Think about Robin Williams. Think about Kate Spade. Think about Anthony Bourdain. Think about the joy they brought you in their unique ways. Think about what you would have said to them, knowing they were going to take their lives. “Don’t do that” would not have worked. Instead of shameful, head-shaking whispers, let’s acknowledge suicide as the growing epidemic it is, and insist health care do more to support mental health.
Depression is not about what we have; it’s about what has us.
Blooms and Bubbles 
I understand and appreciate what you’re saying and support your right to say it. What I question is the legitimacy of assuming why someone else has taken their life. A lot of us deal with depression in some form but I would never venture a guess as to why someone has taken such a drastic step. Suicide is a deeply personal act and unless you’ve actually tried it, were unsuccessful and were able to tell your story, I’d say that suicide will always be a mystery as to its motivators. This one hits home with me because a friend just took his life last month, completely out of the blue. He too seemed (to the outside world) to have life pretty well under control. I knew nothing of depression in his life.
I don’t idolize too many people in life, especially celebrities, but I was a legitimate fan of Robin Williams. To assume that he ended his life due to depression I think would be a huge disservice to a brilliant man. Same goes for the others on the list. We were not in their minds when that thought of finality came upon them so let’s not use their sacrifice to bolster a point. They took their life for a reason and left the rest of us here to wonder why….RIP Trevor!
That’s why you dont understand depression, a person with depression may seem fine to others but in their own head they are fighting a battle, they are dying. Something that I’m too familiar with.
So WHAT HELPS YOU deal with it? HOW do you CONTROL IT!
One thing that helped me was understanding that I did not want to die I wanted to get rid of the pain…. I do take meds… Some don’t work after a time.i change… I didn’t want a psychiatrist ( hard headed me) but now I do….I do, they do help.. But for me it has not been a cure.. But things do help and I have made it to 80yesrs.. I could win an award for being Best Actress …best wishes to you hope I have have helped some… Life still some great wonderful gifts for you.. wait and see
Maryann, you are beautiful for sharing both part of your story and your words of wisdom. A warm grateful hug to you and my deepest and sincere appreciation for your carrying on to allow me to hear your message. There is such hope for those I love and who love me – for whom I feel I would be lost without.
Thank you.
Yes, thank you for sharing your story. This was posted by my daughter on her fb page that is struggling. We are not speaking at this time, but this article has helped me understand and helped me learn. I am grateful for you.
Personally having a stubborn streak is what has kept me alive. I refuse to allow my illness to control me. It is a battle in my mind every single day. It’s not something a drug can fix; it’s not something a shrink can fix. It can’t be ‘fixed’. It is what and who I am.
The choice is simple, let it win and I lose or beat it down to fight tomorrow. I am not going to go down without a fight; I may not win the war, but I will win today’s battle.
That is exactly right. Depression is the consummate sign of weakness. What animal instincts we have left is to not show weakness, especially that one since you are stigmatized and ostracized because of it. It can also end your career if it is known. Who you project in public may be the complete opposite of who lives in your head. Once the one inside your head loses that last shred of hope… then everyone will know you had a battle you could not win.
That’s right
I agree that there should be a new term used for “clinical depression”. Feeling “down” or feeling “Depressed” is no the same as experiencing Depression.
That’s exactly right. I’ve heard too many times “it was just out of the blue.” No…it isn’t. It’s a struggle you don’t see on the outside. You can be depressed ABOUT something, then there’s clinical depression…two completely different things. If you don’t understand that…be very thankful but don’t judge.
Just because some deals with depression in they’re life doesn’t mean they are not smart…intelligence and suicidal tendencies are two unrelated things…you could be a god dam genius & still have depression and emotions stemming from that…same thing as being abused as a child…that’s totally unrelated to that child’s intelligence although it can be a factor in their depression.
I have to agree. I attempted suicide and lived. So I guess I am one of the 10 percent? At the time I was going everywhere good. I was depressed due to agonies of the past, despite the fact I escaped them, and how my past was still effecting everyone I loved, despite how well I was doing in life. I figured if I died, people/trouble/issues from my past would leave my loved ones alone because I would not be there anymore. It was not just one thing — it was dozens of things. I still have major depression — but I can focus on the good. People who attempt/succeed at suicide are trying to amputate their depression. I know — I tried.
P.S. One of the very worst things you can do is ask a depressed person to “snap out of it.” They can’t. Britt — I happened upon your blog for the first time today, and I do not believe in coincidences; I have Jesus in me too. Empathy — yes the depressed are in great need of it. I was a go, go, go — grab for the highest brass ring — and anything under an “A” is failing, type. Despite a horrific past, from 36-42 I went to college, single Mom of three, with a 40 hour a week job, school for that job, wrote 4 award winning plays and was published often. I was grabbing for all the stars, but even that did not scare my depression off. Many people were shocked that I attempted suicide. Dr’s said it was a miracle I survived with my brain and facilities in tact. I wanted to go home to Heaven, but God said not yet. That said, I am here for a reason. To the person who seems to think we can just shake off depression — it does not work that way. Amputation of depression would be the only thing that would work, but of course, that is impossible. The best thing you can do? Sit and listen to your depressed friend. Don’t take over the convo, or tell them what to do. They need to know you are there and won’t be frightened away. Also, a big, huggable dog works well. Better than any of my meds IMO. I have two lovely Newfoundlands who are always there for me. Someday I will breed dogs for Depression/PTSD. Unconditional love by a human is hard to come by these days, and kind of unfair to ask for.
I hear you…thank you for sharing your self…it helps others who struggle more then you may know.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Sweet Carrot. Thank you for this. Any other “cancer” of the mind or body, we would amputate… this is a powerful image. To sit and listen when our dearest people tell us they want to die is NOT EASY, but according to so many of the comments here, is exactly what we need to do. I’m still frightened by this disease, but it’s not scaring me off. Also, big yes to huge, huggable dogs. You’ll be in my pew prayers, Carrot. One Jesus girl to another… xoxo
As usual, I can’t improve upon Britt’s words. But, dear Carrot, I wish you comfort and better days.
Thank you Carrot for explaining it simply. It happens in the brain and your mind tortures you no matter how much positive self-talk you give yourself, no matter how much you try to be “happy & normal”. Depression can also, as we have recently learned from the NFL concussion movie, be caused by a series of injuries to the head. I think if someone has this kind of depression, then it would be a miracle if they survive this Auschwitz of the mind. Ain’t no sunshine if it’s raining.
Thanks for sharing your faith. Even christians have depression.
I think we expect a big change quickly when depressed. Sometimes finding just 1 thing I accomplished in a day helps me feel better. Sometimes I have to say “way to go! “ I brushed my hair. It helps.
So true. When I was barely hanging on, I kept a “to-do” list for myself. Things on that list included “brush teeth”, “shower” and “eat”. I felt so accomplished to get those things done. I’m thankful that the suicidal ideation scared me enough to seek treatment. I constantly thought about ways to die, and it was consuming my mind. Now, 18 years later, I find it so unsettling that I was in such a terrible place. I still struggle with depression at times, and I feel incredibly sad for those that have taken their lives, because I remember that place and the awful things my mind told me about myself. I sometimes wonder what it’d be like to never have experienced anxiety, panic attacks or depression. I’d seriously consider that more amazing than winning the lottery.
But think what they are doing their children and families, don’t tell me they can’t stop themselves, I don’t believe it. Anthony Bourdain in my opinion was an ass, loved Robin Williams but still believe he could have looked harder for help, never heard of Kate Spade but the fact that she also had tremendous resources to find help and still left a 13 yr old daughter to wonder why just pisses me off.
You are uneducated, ignorant, judgmental, and an ass yourself. You should remove your comment, because you have no empathy, not the slightest clue of what depression really is.
Amen Tara!
I agree Tara, she absolutely doesn’t understand and is ignorant! People like that piss me off!! They think you can stop your self, they have absolutely no idea and are the reason those of us who do suffer….suffer in silence. Ignorance like hers is why so many lose their battle with depression.
If you don’t have it, you cannot relate to it. That is the most upsetting aspect of it all for me. I can’t blame anything or anyone for my anxiety and depression . I was born this way. I’ve accepted it, got help and I’m living with it. Taking my life was a thought but it wasn’t a real thought. I’m too nosy to leave this world. I want to know what’s gonna happen around me. Lol.
Amanda Tara. But understand she hasn’t walked in the shoes of a person that had depression
Only wise people have empathy. Even though empathy don’t help depression. You’re right on Tara. Foods that don’t understand depression should keep their mouth shut.
This essay argued for empathy. If you cannot muster it, then maybe silence is the kinder response.
an “essay” on ‘wordpress’ – is for one main reason: for the public to read. The idea that ‘some may not like the response of one or many, then told to say nothing’ is the best point to describe and ‘american’ – where unless you ‘join the trolls’ and “think like everyone else does”, then say nothing! Its people like YOU who ARE the PROBLEM !
I just wanted to say that the lady I guess that was explaining her experience and views and our thoughts on suicide and depression did a pretty good job because I really don’t know a whole lot about it and how it affects people. I felt that the call him and information that you provided was very informational and educational and helped me to understand a little bit more about depression and suicide. I appreciate the time you took taken to share your views and experience and as far as the other lady that was making it known about her opinion of Anthony Bourdain you know what some people just don’t get it but I totally got it understood what you were trying to get across your point and then what you were trying to do I got it and I really appreciate you spending time and sharing this so that I’ve have learned more about the situation and issue.
You piss me off. Your total lack of understanding and ignorance is shining through. Obviously, you’ve never been through this. Do you really think that someone who is contemplating ending their life is really in their right mind? Do you think they think “gee my kids and wife will miss me?” No! That’s a rational thought process and these people are behaving irrationaly.
I live it and have for the majority of my life. I’m highly educated and intelligent. And I could care less if I piss you off. Someone needs to piss you off so you’re ignorance doesn’t ‘shine through’ to the world. Granted, I’m quite certain you are easily ‘pissed off.’ We all have our demons.
Oh my, I didnt mean to post that response to you Shannon! My apologies!!
You piss me off, Shannon! Do you think, someone implying that ‘life is so wonderful’ is in THEIR RIGHT MIND? Especially, in usa? Where someone is murdered by a gun every 6 mins? Where cops get to kill people, just because – and the majority of the ‘followers’ and ‘trolls’ support these pigs in blue……and then i could go on and on…….
Pigs in blue??!! Wow. Do u realize that those so called PIB catch the criminals and hall their buts in jail, only to have them serve mabye a night or two and then they are free again. Blame the system. Also, if I were a cop and thought someone was pointing a gun at me, damn straight I would pull the trigger. What is wrong with you. You better watch what you call people especially those Pigs in Blue who are trying to protect your stupid ass🤮
And people like you, essentially blaming these people by saying there was more they could have done, or they made a choice without regard for their families/children or whomever, are the reason why the stigma around this horrible mental illness still exists, and why more people that are suffering DON’T come forward for help…..unless you suffer from it, you will never ever understand. Also judging by this response, you obviously COMPLETELY MISSED the point the author was trying to make about exactly how this condition works. Idiot
My response is directed at Tracey so as to avoid any confusion.
Thank you! Well stated response.
Yes, he missed the point. But instead of calling names, remember- it’s good to see what we’re up against.
Exactly why I didn’t want to delete.
Which tells me you don’t understand depression.
Tracey..i agree with your words on Bourdain – all i will say is – most people, are ‘followers’ – meaning, they feel a ‘need to always say the thing that majority are saying’ etc… afraid to say their truth, or truth in general, for fear of being ‘out of the majority’ – but some like you and me – ‘see thru’ – these sort of people, and well – i commend you, for your words – oh btw, i disagree with you on robin williams – but this is ok – to each their own 🙂
It pisses YOU off?? Are you kidding me??? You don’t believe that a suicidal person can’t “stop” themselves? You, lady, are part of the problem. Just because you are fortunate enough to evidently not suffer from depression, you feel justified in judging others who may be so very tortured that they are driven to suicide. I can only shake my head at your insufferable egoism. Thank your lucky stars that you are not depressed and suicidal, but have some compassion for those who suffer.
Geez lady chill out man if I was no wonder you’re so depressed you’re so freaking angry it’s unbelievable. If I was angry you are good I wouldn’t want to be hanging around here either it what to use and why do you give people so much power
I’ve had depression for so many years. Never once did I think about suicide. I always thought to myself that is something I could never do. How can someone commit suicide? I didn’t understand. Two years ago my depression got so severe. There was so much fighting going on in my own head. Then I understood… Now I understand why people commit suicide. You just want it to stop. I’ve been on every type of depression medication I’ve seen counselors I’ve seen psychiatrist. Through my own struggles I learned not to judge and now understand why suicide happens. I obviously did not have to commit suicide to understand it I am here to tell my story. So to say that no one knows because the people already have committed suicide is not accurate. There are a lot of us that are still here. I am college educated & a successful woman. I have friends and family that love me dearly. But I still continue to struggle with depression and anxiety.
I’m glad you’re still here. I truly believe that the stories so many are sharing can only be helpful. I think Steve’s essay pulls away the curtain a bit so that all of us learn not to judge. xoxo
Thank you Steph! I have been depressed in my life about something, like everyone … but thankfully … I do not not suffer from clinical “anxiety” & “depression” … But I do have people close to me thank do have anxiety attacks, bouts of extreme sadness, depression, anger and discontent … and have said that should kill themselves!! So … PLEASE for those of you that share this…. and are dealing with this daily … and have been to therapists and psychologists and taken meds … WHAT? … PLEASE, can those that love you say or do that can help? What has helped you the most? We need to understand more than you are hurting … We want to help … What helps yourself the best so you may keep under control? … that would prevent these horrible tragices from happening?! … please
Carrot’s advice in her comment, to be able to sit and listen without judgement, goes a long way. Steve argues for empathy, love, and kindness. This writer offers a list of tips that I find helpful:
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a30432/what-to-say-to-a-suicidal-friend/
I’m trying to understand. But when people tell those of us who don’t suffer with depression that we’re ignorant, uneducated, asses, it makes it hard to keep listening. FYI I have a 4 year university degree, not, I guess, that that matters, but really? Name calling? How is that helpful?
I want to look for some answers, not a…”well ok go ahead, kill yourself, there’s no solution.” Wouldn’t searching for answers be better?
Would treatment for substance abuse not be a tactic? What came first? The chicken or the egg?
As for the hand dominance analogy…if something happened to my right hand, I’d work my ass off to try to become proficient with my left. What I would not do is kill myself.
Listening, showing empathy, those are good suggestions and valuable advice. Thank you. But I want to be of more help. Let’s find answers. Please.
In my case, I needed the severe stress to go away. I needed my husband to stay home with me and watch me so I didn’t hurt myself. I needed to go to the hospital so I could rest and not be afraid of myself. (i couldn’t relax at home because I was so afraid of myself.) I needed my son to come visit me and bring me a novel. I needed to hear from my family that they loved me. I needed medication. I needed a break from my work stress.
Good for you!
Tracy, your a narrow minded ASS!
Tracey, you have no understanding of it at all to think they can send top it! When it happens they have no control over what they are thinking because they lose all feelings!
When your depressed you believe that you would be doing your loved ones a favor by committing suicide. It is not a selfish act, it is an act of desperation to stop your pain and the pain you believe you are causing your loved ones. Please educate yourself about it because your attitude can cause someone great harm.
In my experience that’s exactly right – thanks for your insight!
Please read more on the topic. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to help you see that a suicidal mind does not think as clearly as yours. That’s why I wrote the piece.
Wow !! Do yourself a favor and educate yourself . Your comments are cruel and obviously come from a place of ignorance . I’m pray for you.
Their depression is telling them, with fiber of their being, that their child is better off without them, and its got proof, and its relentless.
If you cant understand that’s fine, sit in your lack of understanding. Just know this; Every person struggling with that particular aspect of depression right now who read your comment just started wanting to die that much more…
if you cant be compassionate, be silent, because you certainly aren’t helping.
Robin Williams had a degenerative disease that was not going to get better…it would have resulted in Dementia and he would not remember anything – not his life, not his loved ones. He would have to be cared for by his family and society. My guess is that he didn’t want that quality of life. Would you?
Tracy, you don’t get. Do you think they wanted to leave their children? Please don’t put your ignorant words out there when you don’t understand. Your life and others would be better without your judgemental attitude.
Why leave loved ones behind?? Simple because at that point in time we feel as if everyone would be better of without us. Sure there is help but sometimes when that black wave of depression hits you don’t see the light shining just beyond it. I know this can be a hard concept for someone to understand if they do not have mental illness or have not lived with someone who did or does. Frankly it is even harder for us to explain. I have Bipolar 1 disorder without psychotic features. Which means I have a lot of depression and very few manic episodes. I have had it all my life even though when I was younger I had no clue what it was. In sixth grade I had anxiety attacks had no clue what they were but thought i was gonna die, yet in my mind i was positive no one would care. I only knew that I was fat, lazy, ugly, a freak ,deserved to be hit, and the list goes on.. I will be 49 this year. I have daily lists that remind me to take my meds , remind me to shower, to take time to clean at least one room each day, and to take time just for me. And my lists have lists. Do i have suicidal ideations from time to time?? Absolutely. Have I ever attempted suicide? No but that doesn’t mean that I am better than someone who has. Instead of getting angry because you don’t understand what we are thinking ask questions take time to actually learn about the different mental illnesses out there and then help us spread awareness.
Tracey, you must be a psychiatrist. You seem to know everything about suicide and clinical depression. How many years have you been studying this horrible disease? I think it’s wonderful that you’ve discovered that the best way to help a person with depression is to belittle them and call them names. If only Anthony Bourdain had known what an ass he was! What do you think about schizophrenics? They should control themselves too, right? And ADD and ADHD aren’t real either, are they? Just excuses to medicate kids. I hope you work with the mentally ill because you could help anyone who thinks they’re mentally ill. You’d raise your voice first I’m sure, then tell them to grow up and quit complaining and stop imagining things! That always works.
he was by no mean a ‘brilliant man’ – *This* sort of propaganda is so annoying, when society kisses and licks the asses of these nobodys – to me, he came across as a punk….someone who cared for themselves (as how most americans are…) someone who ‘travelled’ for the sake to ‘say’: “I been to 33 countries and 20-something this, and 72 something that” etc… there are plenty of people (more americans than ‘not’…) who are like this…as a way of ‘one up on another’ – and like Robin Williams another who i couldn’t stand – who was like a 4 year old his entire life ‘ trying to be funny’ and was just never funny – in anything – yet, the ‘world loved them’ – (or so it seemed…) – its’ *that* crock of bull, that bothers me most – that ‘society falls for these scammers’ and well, try thinking about this….maybe these people ‘ended it’ cause they couldn’t live with themselves for ‘scamming’ to ‘get to where they were’- etc… the other funny thing is – Kate Spade – i never even heard of her – until the ‘news’ – yet, i know and know of plenty of ‘famous people’ – just for sake of ‘fame’ being ‘plastered in society’ – personally, i think the world shouldn’t care for them – heck, they didnt care for anyone, thus why they did what they did TO THEMSELVES! I think the world should ‘care more for those who are shunned’ rather than ‘care’ for those who are ‘doing the shunning’ – etc…. Meaning – (using these two examples…) Bourdain and Spade didn’t ‘do’ anything for ‘anyone’ – yet, ‘they did have it all’ – – until someone who is worth millions, and then gives it all away to those who literally have nothing – then anything that society says to ‘praise them’ – are only just part of the problem – and if folks still dont get what im saying – then using Bourdain – some say his one epsisode on ‘palestine’ – is or was so ‘wonderful’ – ? HOW??? Palestinians are still being murdered worse than americans and their rate of an american being killed every 6 mins by a gun….. yet – again – Bourdain – went to Palestine, just so to say: “I WENT TO PALESTINE” -YET he got out with his life, and millions and in the end, nothing changed! It phony people like this, the world has got to stop loving – and start looking under your nose for those who are more genuine, yet most will never know, cause they are too busy shunning them – to give ‘air time’ to these two who killed themselves, to boost their dead egos!
Who let the trolls out??!! Who? who? who? Who? WHo let the troll out??
With this many readers, it was bound to happen. Alternatively (and quite possibly) we are just insufferably American.
hahaha, Trolls
That is so good!
That is so good!
16Aparis. It actually pained me to read this response, pure venom in your words. Never been a keyboard warrior, but no time like the present. You have absolutely no right to tarnish the names of the people who are mentioned in this article. The only points you have made are ones that reflect who you are, not them. An American killed every 6 minutes, no air time for the right people, cops gone rogue shooting everyone, etc. Dead egos – that one floored me. Get a grip, go outside and stop distributing hate via online forums. Your mindset is half the problem and I truly hope you never have to talk someone off the ledge because your words, words are so god damn important – and your words could put the nail in the coffin. Something I know I wouldn’t want on my conscience. If you want to make a difference, as clearly you think no one else does. Book a flight to Palestine, go save the world. Report back and let us know all the good you were able to achieve. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always. ✌🏼
What point are you trying to make exactly? It isn’t about me or you. You literally butchered Robin Williams’ career because he didn’t make you laugh and behaved like a 4 year old his whole life? And Anthony Bourdain because he was a punk? And Kate Spade because she was a “nobody”. Me no comprende.
My point? Glad you asked. This article is articulated SO well, and truly shines a light on the plight of those with depression. I know, I have been on the ledge, I have tried and failed. I’ve been diagnosed with one of the most difficult illnesses to treat. It’s a daily struggle. Is it because of police shootings and the inhumane acts carried out daily the world over? No. For the record, I’m Australian. We do not have the stats on gun shootings, nor police shootings. In fact, we have it pretty great in this country. Does it make me happy? No. If the world changed tomorrow would I be happy? Probably not. My battles are internal. As are most of those who suffer with mental illness.
Your original post was neither supportive, kind or helpful. People are trying to have a conversation about this important topic, let them. Some respect for the departed wouldn’t go astray either.
16eparis, your an ASS!
You very obviously have issues. You’re making lots of assumptions as to why people do what they do, why people love them, assuming you know their heart, I could go on & on. Maybe you need to realize the issue isn’t with everyone else, it issue is with yourself. Why live your life so angry? Why are you so concerned with others & what they think/love/do? Is it jealousy? Are you upset that you’re not the one people love? Smh. You say everyone else is the problem, but it’s acryally people like you that are the problem. I hope you find a reason to be happy. Maybe looking within yourself & being honest with yourself would be a good first step. I’ll pray for you.
A few years ago, Steve and I wrote a back-and-forth essay about religion.
It got picked up and published and for a few weeks we had thousands of people reading and hundreds weighing in with comments. When this many readers find an essay– no matter the topic– it seems there is always a handful who are kind of angry in an attention-seeking way. I don’t want to delete comments. I think most of the readers (like you) take them for what they’re worth. Oddly spiteful comments on a blog about Christianity vs atheism were bound to show up. But when this huge thread of comments from people suffering, sharing, recounting losses and struggles is met with dismissive rambling ire, I’m saddened and baffled and cannot engage. I think we can all ignore it.
Funny how those who suffer from depression or know more about it than most, say anger is one of the symptoms of depression, yet read a comment from someone who seems angry and you all attack them, instead of treating them as a possible person that suffers from depression themselves. You’ve all called them names, you’ve all shown them no compassion, empathy, or understanding.
Seems pretty hypocritical, in my opinion.
Before ya all do the same to me, I’m also a person who suffers from depression. I’m trying to understand my own battle, which is why I’m reading this blog.
Don’t feed the trolls. This person misses my point, and demonstrates why we need more empathy.
Sorry- that was me. Again- don’t feed the trolls. Have compassion for them. There is something about this topic that angers them. That’s part of the discussion, too. These are the people who bully depressed people and blame victims. I am glad to hear from them, as they demonstrate my point, but there’s no need to give them power.
Hurting people hurt people
16eparis, your response provoked many feelings within me—but what I’m most struck by is the pain and neglect YOU have obviously been suffering from. No one is paying attention to you, no one is listening to you, no one is loving you. This is more than clear in your response. Bourdain travelled to listen and learn, things that have been clearly missing in YOUR life. He didn’t travel to “say he traveled”—he traveled to discover what it means to be human and humane. Based on your attitude, I’m guessing you haven’t traveled much and have no doubt been hurt and under-nurtured by those around you. So your rage and frustration are understandable, if not detestable. I hope you find what you so desperately need. But you’ll need to soften up that heart and open your mind to find it. And by the way, we’re not all insufferable heathens here in America. It just might seem that way from the Ugly American projections of our despicable Liar In Chief.
your comment makes you a POS, IMO
Build a bridge and get over it
Robin Williams had a rare brain disease called LBD Lewy Body Dementia. It destroys brain cells leading to memory loss, delusions, hallucinations, Parkinson’s symptoms and other health problems.
Interestingly, people very often, when given this information, change their attitude that Robin “chose” to take his life and instead see it as the disease that took over. WHY is it then so difficult to understand that Depression is just as much of a disease with just as powerful symptoms? All people with Depression do not commit suicide anymore than all people with heart disease die of massive heart attacks. But empathy for those struggling with the disease should not depend on the severity of it or another person’s perception of how bad it is. Ironically, we seem to have more empathy for those suffering from physical diseases even when their health practices exacerbate them and even when this is a slow form of suicide.
Well said. I appreciate the information you added to the topic, thank you!
You are so right! There is a group of amazing people at The Avielle Foundation trying with all their might to de stigmatize mental health by first changing the words to identify as we do with our other organs like heart health and immune health, heck even oral Health and skin health are better known than Brain Health. They talk about and with Brain Health experts who admit we still understand very little about our brains but the are working to change that too. I hope anyone interested will look them up ( not sure if a link here is allowed.)And those suffering will reach out to offer their own experience and success or failures to help the foundation educate the world – as so many of you are doing today right here. Your stories are so valuable and the fact that you are here to tell them and help others Is a gift to all of us. Thank you for sharing, it means so much!
My mother has always had depression issues, I never understood why because she had everything!
When I turned 40 things were changing in my life . My goal in life was to be a mother and a wife, I accomplished that but never thought of my kids growing up and leaving. I was and still em lost, then I got back issues 3 surgeries later, my mom and dad separated after 41 yrs I was devastated. My husband list his job, and my best friend who was my grand mother passed away, which to this day 9 yrs later seems like yesterday. I’ve been depressed tried several different meds which have really not worked. I’ve been in that deep hole people really do not want to hurt them selves but ur mind keeps telling u and making excuses for u not to be here. I am petrified of dying so I think that is the only thing that saved me I knew this was not right thinking so I stopped the med completely I was still depressed but my thoughts were different. So what I’m trying to say is I really don’t think people want to do this but at the time your mind has brain washed you and is telling u negativity. I would take any kind of pain other then that dame depression, and yes No one understands it unless they been there, I didn’t!
Thank you for sharing your story. Environmental issues are, obviously, a major factor in depression, and everyone’s story is different. But that doesn’t mean we have to go through life alone. You’ve been through Hell. I hope you can find some kindness for yourself. You deserve it.
True. He was suffering from Lewy Body Dementia. His wife, in an interview, said depression played a small role in his suicide. But my point wasn’t the exact cause (which is why I put it at the end) so much as trying to get people to think a different way about the suicidal mind. It doesn’t think rationally. Appreciate your comment.
If a person in chronic physical pain decides to end their pain by suicide, we excuse it by it being an end to their suffering. But we dismiss mental pain as something that is fleeting or voluntarily controllable.
Pain is pain….
‘Deal with depression once in a while’.
So very different than actually living with depression…constantly.
Waking up, showering(if you were able to that day), working, eating, talking with people, answering to a boss, dinner with you family, raising happy, confident children, getting married, getting divorced… You get it, EVERYTHING you do, EVERY decision you make is marred by these thoughts that cause you to second guess if you are doing what’s right.
And, if your decision was successful, then you have a moment(s) of ‘happiness’…followed by hours, days, weeks and sometimes years of what you possibly did wrong, because, really your brain tells you that you are an idiot and/or you don’t deserve the success or moment(s) of happiness.
Heaven forbid you make, what seems to be, the wrong decision or if you have hurt someone in the process…some weird place in your brain tells you that was to be expected.
This may sound like a poor self image, or poor self confidence….NO!
THIS, is living everyday single day and night, with DEPRESSION.
It is a constant fight…never ever ending. The battle against your own brain is exhausting…beyond exhausting.
The time will come when you feel you are DONE. You have lost against your own brain and yes, the answer is to end the war. Suicide. You wave the white flag…
Then…for me, most of the time, I am able to see to logical side of my life. I am able to see my accomplishements and the people who love me and know the pain I would cause them.
And the war starts all over again.
Thank you for this! I have known many people who were not depressed who have taken their lives. One had a degenerative neurological condition that would have not only rendered her slowly incapable of caring for herself, but bankrupted her family because of medical costs. One saw so much suffering in Iraq and Afghanistan as a medic that he could not tolerate living in a world that defended civilians in the US owning the guns that are also killing children in school here. There are others, but we do everyone who has ever had suicidal ideation a disservice in presenting it as inherently a mental illness. It is not, and a much deeper discussion about the ills of the world that we are collectively ignoring cannot be had when so many are in denial.
i’m sure you mean well but I think u missed the whole point of the article. it was so spot on.
Your ignorance on this subject is part of the problem to begin with.
There was a young man on tv a few nights ago that survived a suicide attempt off the golden gate bridge. He said he changed his mind the instant he let go of the railing. I wonder how many people have felt that. I have personally thought of many different ways, many different times. I’m afraid one of these days I’ll succeed.
Well I am here to tell you suicide is not a mystery and depression is the leading cause of suicide.
Imagine having a constant ringing noise in your ears. Its loud and never goes away….wouldn’t that eventually drive you insane. For me depression is like that. A constant voice saying you are not good enough, people are better off without you, you are a burden, etc. Its a constant battle and some people just get tired of the war.
Hmmm. the people mentioned in the article in fact stated many times they were fighting depression, so we do know that they all killed themselves because of depression.
When someone’s life ends by suicide they are succumbing to depression, just as one might to any other potentially fatal disease. Though their death may come at their own hand, it is not actually a choice that they are making. They have lost their battle with their demons, their mind is no longer able to fight, the disease takes them, the person that they once were has already died, just the shell remains. And it is empty of will, passion, spirit, energy, hope, belief of possibility. All that remains is pain, despair and the belief that the world and all that the love will be better off without the burden of them. When you feel like this the thought of asking for help is the last thing on your mind, you do not believe that it is an option, that you are worth the effort. We need to talk about mental health. End the stigma. Teach our children to discuss their feelings in a healthy manner, show them by example. Make counselling part of everyday life. Have mental health classes in school as a life skill. We can make a difference by doing the same things we’ve always done, but that is what we’re trying to do. We need to be proactive and approach mental health differently. Needing help isn’t something to be ashamed of, having issues doesn’t make you less of a person and normal is just a setting on the washing machine. Let’s start dealing with mental health issues before they start, let’s talk to our kids, give them the tools to be open and talk about their feelings.
Let’s definitely talk to the kids. Thank you for these words. xoxo
why in the world would you find it hard to believe a person took their life from depression??? Assume?? Hello? what else would it be. Oh, i’m super happy so i will kill myself??
Perhaps the question we should be asking about suicide is not why, but rather when. Until depression (and other diseases of the mind, i.e., anxiety, addiction, schizophrenia, paranoia, phobias, misophonia) is considered a “legitimate” illness or disease–and not an emotion–suicide will always be an option for reprieve among those living with the illness. To have a disease of the mind is seen by so many in society as having a choice in how we live with it. One does not have a choice in getting or how to live with cancer. The disease is identified, symptoms are treated, and the quality of life is empathized for having no choice in the matter. Sadly, suicide is a direct result of our brilliant mind having a disease and making a choice.
With all due respect, I’m a Licensed Mental Health Clinician in private practice. While I hear and follow what you’re saying, it is vital to note that depression is indeed a curable disorder. It takes several factors within a wrap-around approach but people can (and are) healed. We also know that depression evolves in different ways…some genetic, some environmental, and sometimes we do change our own brain chemistry with maladaptive thought patterns. However it becomes present, there are so many resources and treatments available that we can be healed. You likely didn’t mean to come across as though we have no role but in actuality, part of the healing is defining our role and learning to walk in it. We may not intentionally get depression or cancer but we are not hopeless in how we deal with either. Neuroplasticity might be of interest to you as well. Some of its concepts apply in treating depression, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I also recognize that many do not seek or have access to treatment. Simply stating that there is help and hope. ❤️
Best,
Danielle
I am BEYOND GRATEFUL that you wrote this. Steve and I had no idea this would be closing in on 200K readers in one weekend. What a gift to have your message of hope steeped in education and experience. Thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you! I know each case is so individual. I just wanted to remind people that we can and are dealing with this ugly thing. Thank you for the great conversation!
You’re absolutely right, Danielle. This is a treatable illness – for many, but not all. I’ve never been fully cured, but I live a good life and work hard on my anxiety issues. Everyone’s mental health is different. All I can do is share my own experience and opinion and hope it starts a conversation which, I am thankful, it has. Thanks for the important words of wisdom.
So agreed! Keep going! And thank you for this dialogue!
not everyone that seeks out hope can be saved. what was said earlier that our brains are wired to be depressed and it can’t be cured just like u can’t be cured for being left handed. its been proven. and people whos minds are truly telling them that their life has now got to end, no amount of treatment, aside from restraint, seclucion, medication, etc, will make they change their mind if they are truly diagnosed with real depression
Thank you, Danielle. Hope is crucial, I think!
People certainly can take their own lives from depression, but it’s far from the only cause. Other, distinct, mental illnesses account for a lot, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc. Then you have people in a crisis situation where suicide seems, at least for a moment, like the most reasonable way out of their problems (was the warden in Shawshank Redemption depressed? I doubt it).
Often, though, according to suicide attempt survivors, and to what can be pieced together about those who have not survived, suicide attempts come out of a sudden overwhelming impulse, which may not be preceded by any low mood or especially stressful situation. Impulse control may be one of our best defences, alongside not keeping the means to act on these impulses around too much, and in some ways, depression may even be protective here, since it’s hard to act on such impulses when you haven’t the energy to do so.
Thank you. Depression is real, depression is awful, but not every suicide is caused by depression. I was reading comments, waiting for someone to say that. It’s really pretty fundamental. Without a clinical diagnosis, we can’t know if someone who commits suicide was depressed. Assuming so ignores so many other valid realities.
Thank you for reading all of the comments! I am happy that people are doing that and honoring the stories shared here. And you are correct, as a few other readers have pointed out that there are other risks for suicide outside of Depression. We had no idea this essay would be shared so widely, and was never intended to be a comprehensive (or even medically educated) dissertation on mental health. Instead, just one man’s experience and his call for empathy and understanding for those afflicted.
Indeed. Just sharing my story and my opinion. My BA in Poli Sci should be noted at this point. I have no medical credentials. And the “Science” in Political Science is purely honorary, if not outright sarcastic…
Logic doesn’t work by here, I’m learning that. Its the wrong label. All labels seem misguided. Love being a human!
I appreciate you increasing awareness about how we can support others with anxiety and depression much much better. I also wonder about the possible role anti-depressant medications have in these suicides. Some research I’ve previously read indicate these meds can produce suicidal feelings. What is your take on this? Thank you so much for your comments.
Thank you for your kind words. A reminder, however, though I have a MD, I am not a trained psychiatrist by any means. And Steve is only trying to describe how he has endured many years of depression. I want to be very careful to remind readers of that.
*an anxiety disorder
as mentioned in the piece above, labels can become useless through conflation and saturation. EVERYONE gets anxiety, since it is a normal human emotion, and that’s OK. An anxiety disorder is a different thing altogether. please try to be conscious of the difference, as the condition is often misunderstood as it is.
It’s not that anti-depressant meds PRODUCE suicidal feelings, but after a cpl weeks may work to lift depression enough so that person actually has enough energy to ACT on already present suicidal thoughts.
So right on point! Having lost my husband just before his 39th birthday and Father’s Day in 2007, and last year my oldest son at midnight of his 26th birthday. Neither was ever diagnosed as depressed but neither sought counseling either. Both were very gentle, caring and soft spoken men that to the outside world seemed to have very comfortable stable lives! For each it was sudden and unexpected. No note, no explanation, just death! I continually question myself, did they know something that we the living have yet to figure out? Very good read indeed!!!
Oh, Debbie. I am sorry for your losses and grateful for your comment. I think most of us have had a friend or relative make this final decision– though not many as close, as dear as yours. I think Steve’s assertion that you cannot do very much to exacerbate or relieve these feelings helps us let go of the painful uncertainty that we could have done more. Thank you for writing. xoxo
I would like to say I Love You big brother may you rest in peace. My big brother killed himself july 5th 2017… He was 37 years old then. I turn 35 this year. Depresson hurts suffering inside of your own mind is a killer. I to suffer from Depresson and deal with it daily. But im learning how to deal with it… Ive never seen a doctor for it but probably should.
Brad, I really hope you do. I hope Steve’s words remind you (and everyone) that this is disease is more common than we realize. Thank you for sharing. Keep learning to deal… knowing this huge thread of people who “get it” are here.
After reading the article and comments I realize how complicated this is and I certainly don’t understand this disease. However, this I do know. Until insurance companies fully fund mental health treatment many will not get the help they need.
I feel the same way, Anne. The comments are devastating and generous… and I can only imagine helpful for anyone feels alone in their struggle.
Brad – I strongly encourage you to talk with a doctor. Just go once. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Talk once and see if you want to talk again. See if the doctor thinks you could benefit from meds. Take control and care of yourself. You honor your big brother and love him by learning from him.
I’ve lived with both depression and anxiety forever. It runs in our family. Everyone is taking something to deal with it. I’ve lost many people I love to suicide in my life and yet I’ll never understand how they got to that point no matter how painful my own daily struggle seems. But they have their own reason which we can’t argue, but rather just except.
Depression and anxiety are horrible things to deal with at all and even though someone else may have it and try to empathize with you or understand it, until you’re in my brain you won’t.
In two days I have yet another appointment with my psychiatrist who actually said that I’m not depressed just tired after an anxiety attack. I have to ask her for yet another drug that I can take to help me. Right now if I want anything as “extra help” I have to take a pee test before picking it up. So you can see that even psychiatrists don’t always understand how to help and understand this illness.
I hope you find a therapist who does understand. Getting treatment for any disease should not feel punitive. Praying you find compassion from your doctors.
It can take a while to find a doctor with whom you “click.” I left a meds doctor after he refused to give me a drug I absolutely needed. I moved right along. Good luck. Let us know how it’s going. We’re here.
This is by far, the best article I have ever read that describes ‘depression.’
I know that you can’t read all of these messages, but if by some crazy, lucky chance you do read mine, tell me, where do I start to defeat this? I’m a 38 year old, divorced, traveling professional, that has dealt with depression since I was 16 or younger. I have been on many medications and hospitalized twice for suicide attempts. Maybe they were actually more like cries for help. Either way, I still feel like I’d rather not be alive 75% of the time. And lately, I’ve wanted to conquer it and live a ‘normal’ life more than ever, before I end up dead and the mother who left her children.
I’m not sure where to start anymore. I’ve never met a Psychiatrist, therapist, or Psychologist who has truly understood or been able to help. I so badly want to, but the efforts get exhausting and become hopeless like everything else. Any advice or direction would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your article.
Oh, Tara. These words, these questions. I do not have answers. As Steve and I have repeated, we are not trained professionals in this area. I do know that finding a therapist that works for you can take a few tries. I hope you try again. If nothing else, these generous, brave comments have convinced me that one cannot white-knuckle this disease and go it alone. Keep talking. Find a doctor who hears you, gets you. And in the meantime, come back to this thread to know you are not alone in this. Many are successfully struggling. Maybe the crazy lucky thing is that Steve wrote this essay and you found it. Sending you prayers for peace (I’m the Jesus-loving girl in this duo) and strength to conquer it, indeed. The words you chose to write about defeating this Depression beast are strong. My guess is that you are, too. Great love to you, Tara. xxoo
Thank you Britt! Thank you for your prayers. I too, am a ‘Jesus loving girl!’ I’ve given up before, and I’m seriously struggling, but I have hope.
I am so thankful for this article, and I think it’s a blessing that came my way. I’ve never heard someone who understands and can articulate so well, what we really deal with, what depression really is.
I’m not quitting. I plan to conquer this awful, life-altering disease. I just have to find the right help for myself and what I personally have, and continue, to deal with.
Thank you Britt!
With love,
Your sister in Christ….
I could never get the help I needed through insurance. The protocol was always drugs, drugs, drugs. I needed real talk therapy and, finally, after years of bogus insurance company doctors I went to a private therapist. She gave me the therapy that helped me understands where these feelings came from. On her advice I took a small dose of antidepressant to help quiet my mind while in therapy. I found the drug helped calm my monkey mind and we worked through the worst stuff. Six months later I stopped the drug, continued therapy for a while longer, and now I manage with very few days of despair. I was depressed and suicidal for 40 years up to that point. I practice techniques she taught me to keep focused and calm. I have had one episode in the 10 years since that time where I needed help again. It’s a daily effort, and I owe my life to her. I could not cure it with drugs alone. It cost me my life savings to deal with it,, but I was dead without it, so what good is money?
It is so hopeful to read this. And it echoes what a wonderful, actual therapist commented. There is treatment that works. Depression is not a death sentence for most. But the work of it you have described very well. Thank you for sharing.
I don’t believe in “cries for help.” I believe in depression and suicide. If your head is in this space, be kind to yourself (you deserve it), love yourself when you can (because, I know, it’s tough to do) and work with your primary care doctor to find a psychiatrist who can help you. Depending on your insurance, their mental health staff can help as well. Scream from the rooftops if you have to. This is your life and you can take control of getting the help you need. We’re on your side.
How do we help this? I hear so much of what not to say or do, and that’s all fine and good to know, but it keeps us from having any interaction at all. Please give guidance, from a suicidal/depressive perspective, how can we (those fortunate enough to have not experienced this depth of depression) help?
A perfect question. Lane Moore, a very talented writer, performer, survivor, and delight wrote this.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a30432/what-to-say-to-a-suicidal-friend/
As an outsider to the realities of this internal battle, myself, I found it very helpful.
JustMakingaPoint, I’m sorry for your loss, and I appreciate your comment. We’re not in anyone else’s head, and they did take their life for a reason. I’d like to add that sometimes a physical decline for which there is no remedy, (Parkinsons, COPD, surgical battery, etc.), may be the motivator. It’s tragic that people have to resort to hanging themselves if they are stuck in a human vessel that is trecherous and no longer joyous. Also, psych drugs, (including SSRI’s), have caused severe problems for many people that I know. The health of our body is interconnected with emotional well-being — food, exercise, good sleep hygiene, possibly massage therapy, etc. are vital to maintaining a healthy system, but the medical field, doesn’t focus on that, nor do a lot of people. Visceral fat causes depression as well
psych drugs also help millions. don’t knock it
BIG TIME AGREE. I hope that message isn’t lost in this thread. Thanks, Paula.
I’m on a couple myself. Don’t love them, but they help. We need better meds. That’s part of this.
Pingback: Where is home? | elizabeth rose psychic and tarot
Depression- it is not knowing the purpose of life!
excellent. more truth in here than any other the other articles i’ve read this week. loads of hugs to u.
Źzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Right? It is too early for this. *refills coffee*
I have anxiety, and through much work have learned to manage it very well. This article reminds me of this time I spoke with my mom, who also has anxiety albeit somewhat different than mine, during an oncoming panic attack.
She called my grandma on the phone it was about to show. She was an hour from home and was about to have a panic attack about not being able to make it home. Grandma just kept saying she’ll have go get home quickly, but she was on the side of the road. Finally, I took the phone and told her what she needed to hear. I said mom you can set right there in the car. It won’t be any problem to set right there until it stops snowing. I said you have heat in the car and blankets. You can set right there as long as you need and it won’t hurt you or anyone else. I said as matter of fact that is the best thing to do. She set in that car and calmed right down. I started talking about her new job with her and unbeknownst to her I drove all the way there l. We went out to dinner while the snow melted and drove on home. Sometimes it makes you feel a lot better just to not feel like every thing you do is wrong… sometimes what you drummed up to be the most important activity that you are not capable of is entirely unneeded. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to, but in your mind you put up walls that say this is the only right way. She thought she had to get home. Why because of snow? There are a thousand other options. You Could catch a cab to the airport, fly to Columbia, start fresh and never see snow again. The possibilities always help me escape the circular thinking.
My point here is people always think you gotta be this certain way. Look it’s totally fine to be grumpy as hell, or pissed off. Your welcome to enjoy a full range of emotions for whatever amount of time you feel is needed. If others can’t deal with that. Oh well. It’s not there body. They can go on down the road..
“Sometimes it makes you feel a lot better just to not feel like every thing you do is wrong.” I wish I had written that. Thank you for sharing, Glynn.
How can you be a good friend to someone who struggles in this way?
Dear Jamie, I found this article by a wonderful writer and survivor to be useful:
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a30432/what-to-say-to-a-suicidal-friend/
Periods of ‘depression’ is not the same as Chronic depression, and we must acknowledge there are many reasons a person would feel that their quality of life is too poor, or painful, to continue the fight.
Having dealt with the Medical Field on these issues is enlightening. They don’t have the answers, only methods of diagnosing and support. Suicidal ideology is something that needs a lot more study, but our health care system is unsatisfactory and our government is lacking in support of anyone without money, insurance, support…… the list is long.
COMPLETELY agree. Thanks for the input.
This essay gets to the heart of what is so frustrating about the torrent of opinion pieces that inevitably surface after a well known person takes his or her own life. I am glad to see someone like Safran who is daring enough to tackle the real issue: which is that our health care system has failed to treat tihis as an epidemic, in the same way it fails to treat gun violence as an epidemic. In both cases, we are not doing enough. When people say that those who commit suicide are selfish, to that I say that they have never truly been depressed. In his book, The Noonday Demon, Andrew Solomon describes the self as a tree, and depression as the vine that grows around the tree. A person can do all manner of things to hack away at those vines–through therapy, meds, a support system of friends, but the vines keep growing around the tree. That’s what they do. A person who commits suicide has been completely choked by those vines. The tree (the self) has given over to the vines (depression), and thus there is no self any more. It is not a selfish act, because there is no self to act at the point where depression takes over. So, I think until we really understand the fundamental nature of depression, we won’t ever really understand how to deal with it as a society.
Thank you, Jennifer. I will look into that book – I like the metaphor a lot. One of the problems we have is that people don’t want to understand depression because they have so much fear and misunderstanding about it themselves. Anyone who can help demystify it is worth a read. Appreciate it.
Your comparison to being “left-handed” is completely wrong. First of all, no one is born depressed. I have never seen evidence that depressive disorder is caused by genetic factor… In fact it is heavily linked to experiences. There may be some genetic predisposition to depression but it isn’t all like being born left-handed. And that’s a good think for those that are depressed, otherwise, there would be no “treatment” or “cure” for it. It not like you can be cured or treated for “left-handedness”, so its not a matter of funding or deductibles. Depression, however, can be treated, which tells you that its not like being left-handed. Terrible analogy.
Sorry. I disagree. And I have genetics on my side.
They also used to “treat” left handed kids and retrain them to use their right hands. What we decide is a defect changes over time. I’ve written a piece calling for empathy. Sorry I wasn’t able to get through.
With nearly 200K readers, that analogy was bound to be unpalatable for some. Steve was describing a personal experience with Depression, not writing a textbook chapter. We are not psychologists. We’re just writers who watched two famous people die by their own hands and wondered if talking about it would help. I think it does.
I am 70. I had my first depression at 2. I was approached by a college professor who had seen me on campus. He had never seen anyone smiling as much as I did. He knew there was a problem. He was my first therapist.
I can only tell you that indeed some people have these maladies from very early age. I found out that I don’t produce enough saratonin. I believe I was born this way.
Are u born with depression… are the connectors in the brain already in place with personal experience of a family member I want answers I want to know what we can do as she’s a teenager and she’s on n… because everything you said in this article I’ve told her I want to help her so badly.
Kathy, I’m not sure we have answers to these questions. Depression appears to pop up in family trees, but is it simply altered brain chemistry? Steve posits that it is more like a two-hit hypothesis: a genetic predisposition to Depression, and also some difficult life events. Again, I’ll repeat over and over, we are not professionals in psychology. But what I am hopeful about is that there is treatment that works. Hundreds of comments from survivors prove that. I will be praying for this young person in your life.
Right. It’s clear there are families where there is a higher than normal number of members with anxiety and depression. There are families where multiple members commit suicide. There are families where anxiety seems to run rampant. I don’t believe this to be a coincidence, and neither do psychiatrists. But we can’t see it on an X-Ray (although fMRI studies are promising), so people are often quick to dismiss. There is no definitive answer – yet. But I suspect there will be, soon. I share Britt’s fond wishes for better days ahead for your daughter.
I’ve had severe depression (understatement), Kathy. The worst time lasted almost 20 decades. The only thing that worked was TMS. Transcranial Magnetic Stimuation. (This isn’t buying some cheap magnets; it’s thousands of dollars and takes many weeks of regular treatment.) You might want to look into it. If her family is lucky, her health insurance might cover it. My best to you and your family member.
We Don’t Know their Struggles,It not for us to judge nor understand.However,You can have everything that is not important ,it is a link that they feel detachedl not Love,Appreciated,Taken for Granted By Others.People call this Depression?Their Faith is Strong as Their Will to them This Was Right. No matter how Many People loved,hurt,Ignore them.Life is Precious,they Realize what They Leave.we’re not Transform to this Earth.Sucide,is Becoming the New Trend for Any Age,Just Like Drugs,Bully,Whatever People Accepted in this Sin World.God has a Planned for those who Choose to Believe.Hospice is nice way of letting us die Gently,yet Cruel to the Emotions.Sadly,I’m sure their Family thinking what Could we Have Done.It Was their Time,their way!
My husband committed suicide at the age of 40 leaving me and our six yr old son. I had never really dealt with anyone suffering from depression. U can “what ifs” and “if only” urself to death, and never understand why this happened! Over the yrs I’ve read and try to educate myself regarding this so called “depression” and 24 yrs later I still don’t understand why!! My son and I made it, but everyday I still remember!!!
Every day. Steve’s most poignant point is to, maybe in only a small way, to let us off the hook. We cannot control another’s disease no matter how fiercely we love, and how responsibly we care. I am so sorry for your loss, and so grateful that you wrote. Thank you.
It’s terrible to think that there may never be a satisfactory answer, Ann. Just awful. And even if there’s a “why,” it may make no sense to you at all. It may have made no sense to him, either. Trying to understand the suicidal mind is almost like trying to get into the head of another species; you share some common ground, but the language barrier is impossible. I hope you and your son have found joy, and that your husband’s memory serves as a blessing.
My late husband took his own life 6 years ago. Our kids were 12, 13, 16, and 21. Hindsight tells me that his anger issues may have been a mask for depression – but otherwise there was no outside indication that he was struggling with suicidal ideation. It has been extremely difficult for the children. Wonderful therapists, friends, and family have all walked along with us down a path to healing. I could not understand how he could do that to our kids. My psychologist friend and neighbor enlightened me one day with the sad possibility that “maybe he thought you were all better off without him”. Of course none of us are “better off without him”. If you are suffering from thoughts like this please open up to someone.
Laura, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and for the pain for the entire family. That path to healing is the forever kind, and you have described it well– that it takes a number of people (both professional and other) to come to any sort of peace around this. Thank you for sharing your words and experience.
A friend of a friend wrote this. He doesn’t want credit, so copy/paste and share.
—–
Now Anthony Bourdain.
When you have depression it’s like it snows every day.
Some days it’s only a couple of inches. It’s a pain in the ass, but you still make it to work, the grocery store. Sure, maybe you skip the gym or your friend’s birthday party, but it IS still snowing and who knows how bad it might get tonight. Probably better to just head home. Your friend notices, but probably just thinks you are flaky now, or kind of an asshole.
Some days it snows a foot. You spend an hour shoveling out your driveway and are late to work. Your back and hands hurt from shoveling. You leave early because it’s really coming down out there. Your boss notices.
Some days it snows four feet. You shovel all morning but your street never gets plowed. You are not making it to work, or anywhere else for that matter. You are so sore and tired you just get back in the bed. By the time you wake up, all your shoveling has filled back in with snow. Looks like your phone rang; people are wondering where you are. You don’t feel like calling them back, too tired from all the shoveling. Plus they don’t get this much snow at their house so they don’t understand why you’re still stuck at home. They just think you’re lazy or weak, although they rarely come out and say it.
Some weeks it’s a full-blown blizzard. When you open your door, it’s to a wall of snow. The power flickers, then goes out. It’s too cold to sit in the living room anymore, so you get back into bed with all your clothes on. The stove and microwave won’t work so you eat a cold Pop Tart and call that dinner. You haven’t taken a shower in three days, but how could you at this point? You’re too cold to do anything except sleep.
Sometimes people get snowed in for the winter. The cold seeps in. No communication in or out. The food runs out. What can you even do, tunnel out of a forty foot snow bank with your hands? How far away is help? Can you even get there in a blizzard? If you do, can they even help you at this point? Maybe it’s death to stay here, but it’s death to go out there too.
The thing is, when it snows all the time, you get worn all the way down. You get tired of being cold. You get tired of hurting all the time from shoveling, but if you don’t shovel on the light days, it builds up to something unmanageable on the heavy days. You resent the hell out of the snow, but it doesn’t care, it’s just a blind chemistry, an act of nature. It carries on regardless, unconcerned and unaware if it buries you or the whole world.
Also, the snow builds up in other areas, places you can’t shovel, sometimes places you can’t even see. Maybe it’s on the roof. Maybe it’s on the mountain behind the house. Sometimes, there’s an avalanche that blows the house right off its foundation and takes you with it. A veritable Act of God, nothing can be done. The neighbors say it’s a shame and they can’t understand it; he was doing so well with his shoveling.
–
I don’t know how it went down for Anthony Bourdain or Kate Spade. It seems like they got hit by the avalanche, but it could’ve been the long, slow winter. Maybe they were keeping up with their shoveling. Maybe they weren’t. Sometimes, shoveling isn’t enough anyway. It’s hard to tell from the outside, but it’s important to understand what it’s like from the inside.
I firmly believe that understanding and compassion have to be the base of effective action. It’s important to understand what depression is, how it feels, what it’s like to live with it, so you can help people both on an individual basis and a policy basis. I’m not putting heavy shit out here to make your Friday morning suck. I know it feels gross to read it, and realistically it can be unpleasant to be around it, that’s why people pull away.
I don’t have a message for people with depression like “keep shoveling”. It’s asinine. Of course you’re going to keep shoveling the best you can, until you physically can’t, because who wants to freeze to death inside their own house? We know what the stakes are. My message is to everyone else. Grab a fucking shovel and help your neighbor. Slap a mini snow plow on the front of your truck and plow your neighborhood. Petition the city council to buy more salt trucks, so to speak.
Depression is blind chemistry and physics, like snow. And like the weather, it is a mindless process, powerful and unpredictable with great potential for harm. But like climate change, that doesn’t mean we are helpless. If we want to stop losing so many people to this disease, it will require action at every level.
Your friend is very smart. Thanks for sharing.
What a beautiful analogy.
Shared; with gratitude.
Deep concerns about depression. So many variations of this illness that has been studied, yet only scratching the surface. So much activity in the brain we know so little about. Yet, humanly usual, a quick “not” fix that exasperates the problem.
Antidepressants . Messing with the brain, not knowing what really goes on after usage in time. Just masks or /and intensifies depression. Sadly people turn to drugs, alcohol to further mask their depression. Even worse ppl taking drugs and drinking trying to get better are being prescribed more drugs, antidepressants. Insane.
Watching my son go through this educates one in what’s going on. He is very candid about what he felt in his head. It started when he was about 18. Started smoking pot to relax. The downside makes him more down, and the cycle of dependency begins. We refused meds and engaged in active support meaning really being involved. The moods, fears, panic, pain, sadness in contrast to feeling “ok”. Yes everyone agrees that talk, love, support helps but it’s such a self journey it can only help so much and those involved get worn out. Sometimes not enough like with Robin Williams, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdin.
Can you imagine how many people suffered in the past that could not even talk about it or didn’t realize what was happening to them for societal reasons. Depression and suicide is a top taboo in the world. So unacceptable and daunting to non -sufferers. So many suffer that we can’t even imagine. Even religions don’t want to deal with it.
Yes, through time and dedicated knowledge depression will be dealt with and hopefully understood in its true form. Until then offer your heart, time, voice, smile, hug, to someone in need. After all it could be you.
I know this seems crazy to post. But I can’t help but wonder if it was suicide. Was there anyone there that saw her commit suicide? What if it was a homicide? What if we’re focusoon the wrong thing? Glad for the education because I need it desperately but have already f***** that up with not understanding my daughters. But what if we are missing something and it wasn’t depression?
I go with the police reports. When the police say it’s suicide and there’s nothing suspicious, I believe the police reports. When they say it’s an open investigation, I go with that. You’re not crazy to ask the question. We can only go with what the authorities tell us, and react accordingly.
Right. So many jerks out there say nonsense like “Nobody got depression in the 1900s. They just went to work and never complained.” It’s ridiculous. They had depression. They committed suicide. They were sent to horrible, Dickensian asylums. They were thought to be possessed by the devil. Go back in history, and depression and other mental illnesses have always been with us. Only now do we understand them as real medical problems.
But the stigma lingers. And for those who insist on perpetuating the stigma, I wish them good mental health and luck they never have a family member go through what so many of the good people here have gone through. (I also wish they weren’t quite such bullies about it, but I can’t do anything about that.)
My husband has been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder and also suffers from depression. He wasn’t diagnosed until he was 30 years old, when we were engaged to be married. Up until then, his behavior (although he had already had one suicide attempt) was written off by family and friends as “Oh, that’s just Johnny, he has anger issues, he’s just an asshole.” Once we were together and he felt comfortable enough to be himself around me, the issues started pouring out of him, and my heart broke for him as I could tell every moment he was awake he was battling himself. I told him he HAD to get help because what he was feeling wasn’t his fault, and he couldn’t fix it without help. Fast forward six years later, one involuntary commitment, and a second suicide attempt that left him in ICU for almost a week, I have to remind everyone on this thread that depression and mental illness isn’t a one size fits all. Medications don’t work right away – and sometimes they stop working. In order for someone to manage depression – and learn to live with other types of mental health issues – they need a good therapist, and a great psychiatrist who is willing to work with him/her to get the right combination of medications, and understanding and compassionate family and friends. My husband finally went to a private therapist after this last attempt, and the combination of the three scripts he was on, was basically a lethal cocktail. Two of the three had side effects of ‘increased thoughts of suicide’ along with ‘uncontrollable actions and urges’. I have told my mother in law this ad nauseum – that we can not stop someone who truly wants to take their own lives – but we can be aware, be present, have empathy, and listen – TRULY listen – to what our loved ones needs are. I struggle with blaming myself for not seeing this last attempt coming, even though I know my husband has become a master of deception. Finding him close to death when I got home from work has caused me to have some issues of my own I’ll probably have to talk to someone about.
You describe with painful clarity the relentless teamwork necessary to find something to quell the beast that tells someone to stop living. You also have thrown more light on the agony and love that is involved in helping those struggling with mental health. Steve’s essay argues mostly for empathy. You have that in spades. Thank you for sharing.
The whole idea that people with depression/mental illness in general should constantly strive to “do more” is so dim. WE ARE DOING THE MOST! People are struggling long and hard and are practically devoting all of their free time and resources to try to heal their depression- don’t you think there is a breaking point? This has been how severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD have been for me. It’s like a hobby you don’t want at all, and you have to spend all this time trying to heal it. All of the missed opportunities and missed life experiences because you’re trying to get your mind under control. No one WANTS to be depressed…we’re all looking for the magic bullet. To make a suicide solely about a person’s family/friends (who may not even have a mental illness and therefore do not have to live nearly every single day battling the demons within) is beyond reprehensible. The person who committed suicide probably did not make their mental illness about others, so why is it okay to make their death about their family/friends? This is why whenever I hear of someone committing suicide the only thing I feel is deep sadness and empathy– I know what it’s like to genuinely wish you weren’t alive. I thankfully have managed to climb out of that hole, but after being in it for over 5 years as a person in their mid twenties, I can tell you that the hole is endlessly deep, and dark.
The hobby nobody wants. Indeed. And the other “losses” when you are too busy with the demons is helpful for those who don’t understand why their loved one cannot snap out of it. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you are out of the hole. xxoo
I don’t think people understand when you have a depression everyday you have to fight to find a way to stay alive and Robin Williams and these last couple people I think they just got tired of fighting
I have “been depressed” many times in my life, but I have only had to deal with serious depression once recently, as a result of an inhaler of all things, an unusual side effect of Flovent. And as I slid into this terrible few months I didn’t seek help. I broke down, I screamed, I cried, I scared myself, my husband, my not even one year old puppy dog. But I did not seek help. My “logical” mind knew, at moments, that I should but I didn’t, I couldn’t. For the first time in my life I seriously and repeatedly contemplated suicide. I was anxious, frightened, lost. Lucky for me as I lay in bed crying one morning unable to get up and face another day I said aloud to myself “What is wrong with me, what has changed that I now feel this hopeless?” and it camento me that the only thing that had changed was that stupid inhaler, the brand the insurance company made me change to because they didn’t cover the one I’d been using. In desperation I stopped using it. Within 10 days I felt like myself again.
But looking back at that 3 months, as I slipped further and further into depression, it has given me better understanding and empathy for those of you who suffer from real depression, the kind that is not due to a pill or medication, depression that is in your being. I was able to finally recognize the horror I was in, the horror that I was putting my husband thru yet I had no ability to call a therapist – one I have worked with in the past when I simply FELT depressed – one who would have been able to get me on the path to being well much quicker. My little slip into my own hell gives me much admiration and respect for those who deal with depression every day and manage to still go on with their wotk, their family responsibilities. I hope those of us who do not have clinical depression can be more supportive, for family, friends and strangers, and thru monetary and legislative support, in every way we can, to recognize that depression is a disease not a fault. I was not blamed for my 2 cancers, but I feared I would be when I was depressed. That is so wrong.
We’re glad you’re here. That’s a wild story. But it does happen. We laugh uncomfortably when we hear those long lists of medication side effects, but you actually experienced a big one. Pleased to hear you were able to isolate the cause, stop it and feel better. Nobody should ever be made to feel bad for any illness they have, whether people can see it or not.
Unfortunately not every disease has a cure, not every human condition can be fixed. It sucks. We can try our best to solve every problem but life has a balance. Best of luck to everyone here! I hope those who seek a solution to this epidemic find it.
That’s right. As I wrote, sometimes depression is terminal. I believe at least part of that comes from the misunderstanding we have of it and the pressure we put on people with depression to get better. When they can’t, they feel that much more defective. Compassion, empathy and research are what we need most.
You may have saved my marriage. Somehow, my spouse found your post and feelings of resentment and bitterness started to evolve into understanding. I’ve tried for so long to explain in different ways, that for whatever reason didn’t get through like your post did.
She sent me this link she found, I read the post, and cried for a few minutes at the propspect that there is still hope.
I have never admitted or suggested to her that, as much I know I am the one responsible for getting myself better, it’s possible the simple difference of being able to gain her understanding and empathy, could be just enough to tip things over the edge one way or another. It’s true, but I don’t know any way to communicate that without making her permanently gun shy about any interactions we have.
Thank you so much. And everyone else here who is groping around in the darkness, please know I want you to find the light. At least one person is rooting for you, I believe there is way out, we can find it.
Wow. I’m flattered and hopeful for you both. Learning empathy is so important. Let me suggest a wonderful piece for you: In just under 3 minutes, Brene Brown (an excellent TED talker) explains the difference between sympathy and empathy, and why empathy matters most. I hope you two can find some healing. Good fortune to you both. It sounds like your spouse really wants to learn. There’s hope in that. https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw
Wow, that’s so wonderful that your wife found it and it helped her to understand. Most people cannot understand this illness if they haven’t had it themselves. Steve’s article explains depression so well. I have a wonderful daughter in law who’s dealing with my son’s depression/anxiety. It’s hard for her and I hope she can hang in there.
I have been enraged – quite honestly – by the hubris of ‘reach out!’ type statements from non-depressed people on social media in light of the recent suicides. It’s completely unhelpful and shows a lack of any kind of understanding as to what this disease is. It’s so frustrating. Your post is very clear and helpful. Thanks for writing it. I’m sharing it on FB in hopes it educates someone. Take care.
Thank you for sharing my piece. And I know it’s hard, but try not to be too enraged by the “reach out” school of thought. They’re trying. And they beat the “Cheer up, what do you have to be depressed about?” crowd by miles.
May 17 year old daughter struggles with depression and anxiety. Interestingly she explained exactly how her brain works to my husband (her step father) with that exact hand analogy 3 months ago. It makes total sense to someone with depression and he completely understands her now.
And here I was, thinking I was being original! Your daughter is obviously much smarter than I. I have high hopes for her, that she understands and is able to explain her needs so well. I wish your family well and I hope your daughter is able to find a comfortable balance in her life.
Anthony was an addict and alcoholic. That’s what killed him.
Dear Steve, I hope I got it right this time. I posted a comment a few minutes ago about your article on depression but I thought it was written by “Dan”. Sorry about that! So, it’s nice to meet you Steve. Great writing, great content!
Thank you for a very insightful article. I shared it on Facebook with the following comment:
Lots of interesting writing about depression and suicide this week. In this article, I particularly like the left-handed metaphor. So now I need to write a song about the Left-handed Big Black Dog in a Blizzard Blues. And don’t forget: something like 30 Vets commit suicide every day.
Thank you for sharing Steve’s essay, Cynhilde. xoxo
My heart goes out to those who suffer form depression…..How can I help? What can I do? Why isn’t there more research? My son suffers from this and I feel very helpless and sad for him.
Please, take a look into Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. I’ve had depression on and off since a very early age. But a few years ago I had severe depression like I’d never known. The only thing that helped was TMS. (Don’t be mislead by adds of cheap magnetic bracelets or anything similar. TMS is an extremely expensive form of treatment. In a best case scenario, health insurance will cover it.) My best to you and your son.
Pingback: Nostalgia | Blooms and Bubbles
Thanks for writing this, and I’m grateful some have shared it with social media.
I love the title — important distinctions. And I agree we need to choose words more carefully rather than flippantly labeling certain fleeting emotions as “depression.” (Along those lines, please know that “died by suicide” or “ended his/her life” is more preferable than “committed suicide”; you can search for articles about this distinction.) Also, your analogy is probably helpful for some to understand better, though the “shoveling snow” one in comments seems a bit more parallel than left-handedness. Definitely you are right that a “cheer up” response is ignorant as to what a depressed person is going through. I applaud almost everything you’ve written here.
Re: hotlines… yes, it’s responsible to broadcast the numbers and advise people to reach out. Of course they are not the solution to this problem. But as someone who spoke to hundreds of hotline callers, I know many (in my experience, most) callers are conflicted and have not decided, are very brave to reach out in desperation, and are hoping with every ounce of their being that maybe there’s some other way besides suicide. Many also feel better after someone listens, shows empathy/compassion, and explores options with them. Many crises are averted with hotlines, thank goodness, with other ideations lessened before they escalate to dangerous levels. Again, not a solution, but definitely an important resource and sometimes helpful interventions. I don’t think the reminders are like calling 911 for every car accident… maybe more like reminding people “please don’t text while driving” after every horrible fatality that was caused by that… but more like that shoveling analogy: “You’re buried and overwhelmed but don’t need to try to dig out alone; there’s help.”
Finally, I disagree that “we can’t stop suicide and depression.” I believe we can, as do professionals in the mental health field and/or experts in neuroscience. Plus, one must believe an outcome is possible in order to achieve it; please don’t give up regarding this crisis and the battle folks are fighting, often losing. There is hope; there are resources; we are learning more about what’s happening and how to help. (Admittedly it’s discouraging that the statistics have been getting worse.)
Thanks for continuing the conversation that has arisen more loudly this past week, and for raising some important points.
Reblogged this on Cindi Gale and commented:
This is an excellent and informative article, in the wake of high profile suicides, and i(n own my little life) in the wake of two suicides a week apart of people I’ve known for years. Each was a shock. Most people assume they were depressed. But what does that mean – depressed?
Thank you for this, Britt. You are an excellent writer and someone I admire from afar…. I hope to see you again soon! XOXOXO Karen
Reblogged this on A DARING ADVENTURE.
Do you think we don’t have empathy? We have tons of empathy. What we don’t have is the ability to do anything more about your illness than you have yourself. You say that you don’t need us to treat you softly, yet you want us to be empathetic. You want us to make mental health help more available, yet you don’t want to seek mental health help. Do you want us to force mental health help upon you? I think not. I think I am very empathetic over your disease. That doesn’t seem to help anyone! Those who I know that suffer, still suffer!
I feel like you want me to understand something that you can’t even understand yourself. We can choose another name for this disease, but I’m unclear how that will help us fight the disease. Yes, clinical depression is different than when I feel depressed. What can I do to help you? I’m sorry that you are sick, but I don’t know what I can do to change anything. Apparently you don’t know either. You want me to feel more empathetic, but does how I feel, really effect your illness? From my point of view, it doesn’t seem to. From your point of view, it doesn’t either. I’m so very sorry, now what?
So well said.
Maybe it’s as simple as they didn’t want to live anymore….No one asks to be brought into this crazy world and everyone has the power to take themselves out at anytime…most people don’t because they fear death and love being alive but there are many people who do not fear death and do not love being alive and just make the decision not to play the game of life anymore…nobody’s fault and not necessarily depression….mentally strong people can commit suicide too
So tell me what to do or say to my 21 yr old son who refuses to get help from doctors or medication. I get frustrated and yell. I get mad and yes I blame him for not listening to me. I spent his entire childhood taking him to counseling and psychiatric help and paying for medication for nothing. Now when he’s angry he says he should have just killed him self. It’s hurtful. Help me understand because I don’t.
Thank you for “making it plain”!
My daughter committed suicide. I’ve come to believe she did it because she was trying to escape the pain of living in her own mind. Unfortunately empathy is hard. Not because people dont want to empathize, but it’s so hard to have empathy for something you haven’t felt. I have it much more now along with a completely different perspective. I try and reach out in anyway I can. I thought you’re article offered a wonderful inside perspective. Good wishes on your journey.
Renee. Thank you for these words, for sharing your loss and your experience with this terrible disease. Thinking of you tonight… xxoi
I’m sorry but the left and right handed thing I don’t get. I think it’s a poor example of what depression is like
On the sad occasion of AB’s suicide we’d be wise to triage our shock and dismay by acknowledging two unassailable truths-
1) No one can truly know what is in the heart and mind of another…dispite our best efforts and intentions to provide help, resources and erstwhile attempts of support.
2) God and Nature (take your pick if you must) work in mysterious and unknowable ways to thin the herd. If one’s brain is “telling ‘one’ to die” then who are we to interfere? Better to get on with the deed so the rest of us can celebrate the living and the gift of life.
I think suicide can be helped when people identify what is truly meaningful in life.